To: All White Barn staff
From: Leatherneck Turtle Kelly
Subject: Tidy up

As my first week as the Chief of Staff in the White Barn to President Pig Trump ends, I am sending what will be a regular update.

These updates will provide an additional way for me, and sometimes other senior members of the Pig Trump administration, to reach out to you. I appreciate that some of you may see this as unnecessary. After all, the New York Times, the Washington Post and Fox ? News have been providing a real time source of White Barn office information since the inauguration.

The summer holidays are coming and Pig Trump is off to the Mulligan paddock for 17 days. But before any of the rest of you leave for the Hampton Paddock, I need all of you to tidy up the office.

There are papers everywhere. While I know that there have been a lot of executive orders, they are now starting to block the hallways and are a fire hazard with all of the hot air coming out of the building. However, if we throw out all these executive orders other than those where the Attorney General’s Department has now advised us that they do not breach the law, the remaining valid ones can be slipped into a plastic slim line folder and put in the small bottom draw of my desk.

This is important as it has become impossible to find anything given the mess in the White Barn. As you know, we have had a blind 15 year old intern searching two hours a week for a copy of the Swamp Farm Constitution since January. Still no luck with a complete copy – but we have found a couple of pages with the Second Amendment (right to bear arms) but have found no evidence of the First Amendment to which the Amazon Washington Post and the Failed New York Times seem so attached.

Pig Trump has asked me to tell you that no one will have walk in rights to the Oval Pigpen except through me. There are one or two limited exceptions – Golden Pony Ivanka, Meerkat Kushner, Snake Bannon, Weasel Miller, anyone else Pig Trump wants and the Taco Farm office cleaners subcontracted from Trump Properties. Alternative Weasel Conway will also be allowed into the Oval Pigpen when she has learned not to put her feet on the furniture.

I have had to let a few staff go. While it can be heart wrenching when a colleague of 10 days such as Skunk Scaramucci leaves, I am sorry that all of you were so overcome with grief that other than the message from Piglet Trump (beautifully dictated by Pig Trump, as any father would), none of you were able to sign the farewell card.

“FU Mooch”, “Goodby Girly Glasses” and “Hope the Ratings Hold Up” do not count as a farewell. Weasel Miller has pointed out to me that Snake Bannon added “you are the wretched refuse of a teeming shore” later.

Also a word about the security of the White Barn. Last week, the Dobermans discovered Melania trying to leave the building. She was not herself – and I am sure that she was just imagining that Pig Donald had been trying to hold her trotter.

Equally important is that Nightmare Mueller ☠️ is not to be allowed close to the building. Pig Trump thinks he sees him at every window. Unfortunately, the Dobermans have now reported to me that in fact ☠️ is looking in at every window – and most often looking into the Family Finances Room and the Russia Room. Renaming these rooms the Tiffany Trump Room and the Orphan Room don’t seem to have confused him or delayed him at all.

I have employed new plumbers🚰. I am aware about concerns about the leaking tap in the staff bathroom. However, it has only just come to my attention that there is a large sewer 🚽 uoutlet in the Oval Pigpen. And to be honest, I am really doubtful if that can ever be effectively fixed.

There is has been a change to the staff notice boards. As requested, there are two new boards simply for lawyer’s cards – a big demand for personal criminal lawyers. The brochures from realtors with properties for sale near low security Federal penitentiaries are available and can be mailed directly to your parents or spouse.

The notice board for cards for share apartments that would accept a White Barn employee has been taken down as it was unused.

I will allow lonely hearts advertisements as I am told that Tinder has banned anyone with a White Barn email address – although be aware that a start up “Date a Hot Republican Man” has failed – perhaps having Weasel Miller on the webpage was unwise.

Finally – if you have any friends, college acquaintances or frankly anyone without served prison time for a violent offence – who is looking for a job – let me know.

Unfortunately, but hopefully not for long, I am afraid that holding a current Russian passport or having spent more than 6 months in the KGB may cause a delay (hopefully not permanent) for new hires. However, it is now clear, even if there was some confusion after the campaign, that we will employ people who have worked at the Goldman Sachs Goldmine.

Have a good weekend.

I will see you on Monday – Bad Haircut Farm willing.