Washington: March 1, 2018 ✉

The White House announced that all White House employees, members of Congress and their staffers would be carrying weapons.  The Secret Service will be disbanded

“Clearly, if a civics co-ordinator or advanced placement math teacher is capable of using a weapon, than so can White House staff and members of Congress”, said a spokesman.

Democrats pointed out that there was some doubt if anyone working in the White House had been smart enough to do advanced placement math. And so how would they know. And while they may have met a civics teacher, they had clearly missed all the classes on the constitution except the class on the second amendment when football was cancelled.

The White House discounted the risks of an accident with loaded fire arms in the building.  A spokesman (who did not want to be identified because “they weren’t authorised to speak on behalf of the administration” – real reason “because they didn’t want their grandmother to know they were working in the White House when she thinks they play piano in a bar”) pointed out that there were greater dangers already in the building.

Which is obviously true.

A misplaced bullet seems a small risk in comparison to the dangers coming from the White House including the ongoing challenge to the rule of law, the escalation of racial and religious bigotry and the nuclear launch codes being controlled by a 70 year old who may be being slowly poisoned by orange hair dye and is confident that heel spurs will not stop him taking down an armed and mentally ill intruder.

And because the gun training may take some time – initially protection will involve Jared and Ivanka bringing their ski poles to work, Gary Cohn will throw the heavy sack containing his last bonus from Goldman Sachs at any intruder and Kellyanne Conway will totally confuse them by explaining administration policy.

The President does not need a weapon….