Swamp Tours – “Make Travel Great Again”

Washington – Dates for 2026

This tour takes visitors to see the landmarks, highlights and relics of the Trump Presidency.

It is open to domestic tourists and also those foreigners with valid visas to enter the United States, who are not exhausted from standing in line, and who have successfully passed the body searches conducted under contract from US Immigration by former doctors from the US Gymnastics Federation.

Times

In line with President Trump’s example, tours are limited to weekdays after 11 am and before 5 pm.

There are no Washington tours on weekends – although your ticket will allow weekend tours of Mar-a-Lago (from October to April) and the Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey (from May to September).

Transport

Your tour will be on a specially built bus, fashioned after a golf cart.

Unfortunately, the previous bus shaped as a nuclear missile and built in North Korea under the bi-lateral free trade agreement Is no longer used as it kept crashing into the Japanese Embassy.

And don’t worry about the Washington heat. The bus is air conditioned and so you will not notice the recent 5 degree increase in average temperatures.

Guides

Your guides are all former officers of the United States Armed Forces or former aides in the Trump administration*.

While those of you who have used us before may remember that many of our military guides had been Generals, turnover has been high and most guides are now Majors.

But you can be assured of a level of service equal to the best standards of the Trump administration. 🙄

* see warning below on personal responsibility for your valuables.

Fees

Fees # for a full day tour:

All current members of the European Union* – $100
Italy, Spain, Greece, Portugal – $50
UK – whatever you can afford
Russia and Saudi Arabia – free
All others – $40

* if you bring a gun and are prepared to look after your own safety, there will be a discount of $20

# a $50 discount if you have the double ticketed Washington/Seattle Nuclear Bomb Crater experience.

Experiences

This is a total immersion experience.

You will have the opportunity to really experience what it was like to be an aide to Donald Trump.

From time to time during the tour you may be served with a subpoena. This is common – but you may also receive a pardon at the same time.

However, if you don’t get a pardon, you will need to stop and listen to a special podcast by Hope Hicks and Michael Flynn about life in a low security Federal Prison Farm.

You can then catch the next bus.

Some visitors may get the subpoena addressed to Michael Cohen. There are never any pardons with this subpoena. Also, this podcast may take longer and is less clear – the recording facilities in the super max at Terre Haute were not ideal.

The podcast’s title is “It was possibly a mistake to prefer my family over the President.”

Unfortunately for those of you seeking the “total shock” supplement, we no longer also include a realistic example of an account for legal services in connection with the subpoena from a top line Washington law firm. Several customers died of shock and it was therefore discontinued.

The tour

You will see many of the key sites of the Trump presidency. An example of the commentary for some highlights is below.

Although, for a better “Trump experience”, we note you can also choose for the commentary to be as tweets with spelling mistakes, no grammar and random CAPITALS.

“This is the Red Hen”. “This is where Kellyanne Conway shops”. “Oh, and this is the Trump Memorial. It used to be the Lincoln Memorial. They were able to reuse the inscription. “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”” “And the Trump Monument. Used to be called the Washington Monument. Locals know it as the “Big Prick”. “

Other activities include:

# visiting the Stephen Miller Children’s Playground – but note that Latino children must play in the cages.

# being shown around Zaras by a Slovenian super model hoping to live permanently in the United States. However, this activity is only available to male US citizens with a net worth of more than $50 million (consistent with the practice of New York nightclubs, we take your word for it).

# watching a documentary on the Supreme Court narrated by Mitch McConnell (and other white male seventy somethings) when it overturned Roe v Wade. And keep an eye out for the fashions from August 2018 before wearing red cloaks and white bonnets by women was compulsory.

Food

The Trump Presidency left its gourmet mark on Washington and you can enjoy enjoy all of it.

Most visitors are content with a very well done steak with ketchup and diet soda.

But if you want to branch out, there is a visit to Chick-fil-A hosted by Scott Pruitt’s wife. Mrs Pruitt will also answer questions from donors to the Republican Party was on successful apartment hunting in the Washington area.

Or alternatively, enjoy Mexican food hosted by Kirstjen Nielsen. You should be aware that you will be separated from your children at the door of the restaurant. While, provided you provide a Federal Court Order, we will do our best to find them after your meal, we have outsourced this role to another division of our company with whom we have no coordination and so a reunion may take some time.

Accommodation

You can stay at a Trump Hotel. Which will give you a discount on your tour tickets.

You can also buy a mattress protector from your tour guide.

The regular “Stormy Night” Model is $5. But for maximum protection, we suggest the waterproof “Moscow Golden Shower” Model at $15.

Warning

While using tour guides who were previously members of the Trump administration brings colour and texture to your “Trump experience”, we have found it hard to change ingrained habits. You are therefore warned to look after your valuables.

If we crash the bus, you have to cover your own medical bills – although you can instead choose to transfer three times the amount of the bill to be paid by your grandchildren.

Fake news

Everything in this advertisement is absolutely true.

It is therefore subject to change at any time without warning, explanation or acknowledgment.

No responsibility is taken for anything actually occurring as promised.