Washington: August 8, 2022

The FBI sought to dampen speculation on its raid on Trump’s safe in Mar-a-Lago.

It had been reported that a Federal Judge had initially refused to grant a search warrant. Apparently the Judge has told Justice Department lawyers that it was inconceivable that Trump would have kept policy memos. The lawyers were unable to present any evidence that Trump had ever read any documents on either domestic or foreign policies.

Counsel then took His Honor through the Preamble to the Constitution in an effort to identify other Government property that may be missing.

It was generally conceded that “securing the Blessings of Liberty” had been lost as a result of Clinton’s tough on crime in the 1990s and “providing for the common defence” under Bush in the 2000s.

However, it was finally accepted by the Court that “insure domestic Tranquility” was also now missing. And while there were numerous potential suspects – McConnell, Republican Governors and Fox News – there was sufficient evidence that the heist had occurred on January 6, 2021.

While it is hoped that more will be known in future days, the spokesman was clearly trying to manage expectations.

“I will be honest. We just don’t know if we will ever be able to find domestic Tranquility. Soon. Or ever”.